


finishing blows

by regrettably



Category: JJCC (Band)
Genre: M/M, everything is awful and everything hurts, pd101/mixnine 2k17 wrap-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-02-23 20:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13198035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regrettably/pseuds/regrettably
Summary: Hadon wants to talk about his feelings just about as much as Youngjin wants to be punched in the face.





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> written mostly for closure

 

“Promise me you won’t give up on Hadon.”

 

That’s the last thing Joonyoung says to Youngjin before he enlists.

 

Well, that’s one of the last things he says, sandwiched between nagging Youngjin to wipe the chocolate off his face and asking where he got chocolate from in the first place and an order to watch where he’s going because he’s going to knock someone over and a profuse apology to the guy Youngjin nearly knocks over because he wasn’t watching where he was going and a shrill threat directed at Youngjin that if that guy ends up in his unit he’s going to die because that was _so embarrassing_ and any other number of Joonyoung-isms, parting words of unwarranted but probably necessary instructions.  

 

But it’s that one, that sudden last-ditch plea, whispered in Youngjin’s ear during a hug that’s way too tight but still not tight enough to make them look weird that Youngjin remembers.

 

Mostly because he doesn’t get it.

 

He’s spent the better part of the last six years with Hadon.  The idea that he might suddenly stop caring about the guy is, well… Youngjin doesn’t know.  Can’t imagine why it would ever happen.  

 

But he agrees anyways because it’s always easier for everyone to agree with Joonyoung.  Gives a quick startled nod against Joonyoung’s cheek and then Joonyoung pulls back and waves them all goodbye for two years.

 

It’s not entirely lost on Youngjin that Hadon is the only one who isn’t hugged farewell between those fierce skeletal arms.  

 

Joonyoung just shrugs and smiles in his direction and Hadon gives a lazy wave and his lips curve upwards all lopsided in return.  

 

Youngjin thinks that maybe it’s the only way they can handle it.

 

In the van on the way back Eddy sleeps and Daehwan tries without much luck to untangle his earbuds and Chanyul focuses entirely on the game on his phone.  Hadon’s slouching deep into his jacket for warmth and watching the winter landscape pass by in a dreary blur.  He might look a little more morose than usual, but then again his normal resting face looks kind of funeral-ready so maybe it’s all in Youngjin’s head.  Youngjin wishes he could also act like it’s any other day and they haven’t just lost another member but he can’t stop staring at the extra empty seat they now have.  

 

For some reason it makes his skin itch.

 

He tugs at his pants and the collar of his shirt and tries to scratch at the small of his back until he decides he can’t anymore.  Feels like it’s his job to do something more than just sit there and squirm.  He goes for full leader-mode as he shuffles across the seats and cozies up to Hadon, puts a big hand on his shoulder and leans into his side.

 

“Hey, uhm...” Youngjin tries very hard to be quiet but the sound of his voice still makes Hadon’s right eye twitch, “...I know it’s tough, but two years isn’t that long.  Everything’s going to be okay…”

 

Hadon tears his gaze away from the window and looks at Youngjin like he’s said he hates meat and sleeping until noon.  “Why wouldn’t it be?”

 

Leader-mode falters.  “Well, uh, I just thought you might be, uh, y’know… feeling a little-”

 

“I’m fine.”  Hadon interrupts, “We all knew this was coming.”

 

“Yeah, but-”

 

“-so it’s fine.  I’m fine.  Everything’s fine.”

 

“But-”

 

“Seriously, don’t worry so much.”  Hadon’s voice is sort of convincing.  His eyes sort of aren’t.  “Let’s just see Joonyoung when we see him, okay?  Everything will be fine until then.”

 

But Youngjin wants to believe him and he thinks that Hadon deserves more than anybody to feel hurt today, even if he won’t admit it.  So for once he doesn’t press and Hadon shrugs him off and pulls the hood of his jacket up and gives his attention back to the frosty glass and the outside world.  Youngjin picks at the rips in the knees of his jeans and hopes that Hadon is right.

  
  
  
  


Things are fine without Joonyoung at first.  Strange, but fine.

 

They can get dressed without pointed questions about their fashion sense.  They can skip steps in their stupidly long skincare routines without lectures.  Their nails are all less than perfect.  

 

Hadon sleeps a lot longer. _Everyone_ sleeps a lot longer.  

 

Sure, maybe it’s a bit too quiet now.  Maybe Hadon uses less complicated words when he speaks because he knows only Joonyoung and Daehwan ever really understand him.  Maybe Youngjin wishes there was someone around to stop him from eating a whole box of chocopies at once.

 

But it’s nothing they won’t survive.  At least this time around they know where he’s gone and why he’s gone and that he’ll be coming back.

 

Then Produce101 happens.  

 

Youngjin doesn’t understand why.  Doesn’t understand how come, out of all of them, it ends up being Hadon and Chanyul that go.  

 

It might sound like a good idea on the surface.  Go on a survival show, get some camera time, some exposure.  Get a lot of people to hear the name ‘JJCC’ for the first time.

 

But one hundred and one contestants means a one in a hundred and one chance at the very least.  And Hadon’s quiet.  And Chanyul’s near mute.  And Youngjin can’t understand why nobody seems to care about how embarrassed twenty-four year old Hadon looks in a school uniform meant for a teenager.

 

It’s not his place to ask, he knows that.  In exchange for a shot at fame he traded in his right to ask questions.  

 

So he doesn’t.  He sends Hadon and Chanyul off in the dark on a morning so frigid he’s pretty sure the insides of his nostrils turn blue.  Chanyul’s shaking because he’s cold and he’s nervous and he’s scared and Daehwan’s telling him that all he needs to do is smile because if he just smiles everyone will fall in love with him and Eddy’s telling them to hurry the fuck up and go because it’s freezing out here.  

 

“Well, uh… see you soon?”  Youngjin says, and he laughs but it sounds awkward because he never thought he’d have to watch Hadon leave like this.  Barring one language course in Japan, they’ve never been separated for more than a few days in the whole time they’ve known each other.

 

“Sure… but not too soon.”  Hadon leans back against his luggage and grins as much as his cold  lips will allow.  “Not until everybody knows who we are.”  

 

“So, Rank A?  Top eleven?”

 

“‘Course.  We’ll be rank one and two.”  Hadon shakes his head, “Well, I’ll be first.  Chanyul can be second.”  

 

They laugh and they don’t hug because Hadon’s cool and it’s not cool to hug.  But Youngjin squeezes Hadon’s fingers tight between his own for just a second and Hadon gives him a weird look but he doesn’t tug his hands away.  Then he’s in the van beside Chanyul and they’re both gone too.

 

Not sharing a bed with anyone is nice for about three days.  Then it’s just cold.  Youngjin doesn’t miss how Hadon would elbow him in the ribs if he thought he was hogging the covers, but he’d rather have that than lying awake and thinking about Chanyul and Hadon sleeping in rooms with a whole bunch of strangers.

 

Not having to really share food and the bathroom and the laundry machine is the same.  Nice at first.  Then just strange.  It’s too quiet and too empty and Youngjin can’t even enjoy the fact that nobody’s yelling at him for stealing their leftover chicken from the fridge.

 

Eddy’s always out with friends that speak English and drink too much and act too cool for Youngjin.  Daehwan never exactly says that he doesn’t want to spend every second of every day with Youngjin, but by the second week he’s calling Chanyul because he wants to hear the sound of someone else’s voice.

 

“...it’s not that bad?  Really?”  Daehwan asks, and Youngjin pokes at him until he turns the volume on his phone as high as it will go so they can both hear.

 

“Uhm, uh… yeah!” Chanyul’s quiet even on max volume, “The judges are kind of, uhm… scary… and the food is kind of… not good? But p-people are really… nice!  And everyone calls me hyung!  So it’s…  good!”

 

“That’s great.  You’re great.”  Daehwan is smiling into the phone and Chanyul’s probably smiling back and Youngjin hopes all that is true.  

 

But he also knows Chanyul’s not very good at telling stories and the way he feels things is sometimes kind of weird so he listens to Chanyul stutter about singing lessons and dance practices and what it’s like to see BoA up close until impatience overpowers politeness.

 

“Where’s Hadon?”  Youngjin cuts in halfway through a disjointed explanation of how nice Ren from Nu’est is and Daehwan scowls at him.  “How’s he doing?”

 

“He’s… h-he’s… uh…” The pause on the other end is a little too long to be comfortable.  “Uh… uhm… okay?”

 

“Okay?”  What does okay mean?  Youngjin knows they’re not allowed to use their phones much, but okay should mean Hadon texts back at least once in a while.  “Where is he?  Give him the phone-”

 

“-I’m right here, Youngjin.”  It’s Hadon, sleepy and irritable and just the way Youngjin usually likes him except- “What do you want?”

 

Youngjin scrambles a bit, because Hadon just sounds so… “Nothing, I just… uh… you’re doing good?”

 

“Yeah.” ...so…

 

“Uh… are you eating enough?”

 

“No.” ...so...

 

“...sleeping enough?”

 

“No.” ...sad?

 

“Meet anyone hot?”

 

“All the guys here are like, teenagers, Youngjin.”

 

“Oh.  Ew.”

 

“Yeah.”  Daehwan laughs.  Hadon doesn’t.

 

The following silence is long and staticky.  In the background Youngjin hears people snoring, a constant rustling that’s probably Chanyul rearranging the blankets, Hadon’s breathing.  Even how Hadon breathes is weird.  It’s sort of rasping and heavy, like it’s an effort to just do that much.

 

Youngjin doesn’t like it.  Doesn’t like any of it.  “...are you really doing okay?”

 

“... _yes_ ?”  Hadon sounds sharp, angry.  Youngjin blinks at the phone and Hadon sighs as if he can hear Youngjin’s confusion.  “...sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m just… I’m just… just so _fucking_ tired.”

 

Youngjin’s heart twists a little.  “Do you-”

 

“-but I’m okay.  Really.  We both are.  But-”  There’s a pause.  Youngjin licks his lips, waiting.  “But can you let me get some sleep now?  We’ve got to be up in, like, three hours…”

 

“Yeah, okay…” Youngjin nods, “...wait!  What did you get?  What rank are you guys?”

 

Chanyul makes a tiny noise and stops and Hadon coughs before speaking up.  “You’ll just have to wait for the first episode like everybody else.”

 

Then Daehwan’s demanding his phone back so he can talk to Chanyul in their Gwangju dialect that Youngjin doesn’t really understand and Youngjin doesn’t feel like sleeping so he decides that diets have no point if he doesn’t have any schedules.  He goes to the nearest convenience store and buys as many chocolate bars as he can carry and he eats them sitting alone on his bed while trying not to think about how sad Hadon’s voice was.

 

When the first episode airs and they watch Hadon and Chanyul get ranked D and F, Youngjin’s heart feels like it twists up real tight this time and it never really seems to fully untwist again.  He keeps sending Hadon messages daily and gets a response maybe one time out of every five.

 

Hadon’s rank slips to F the next week.  Youngin still messages every day even though Hadon stops replying.

 

 


	2. part 2

 

“...but it’ll be fun!  Come on…!”

 

“I’m really not feeling drinking tonight…”  Hadon says, and Youngjin flips onto his stomach and pouts.

 

Hadon rolls his eyes as Youngjin disturbs the stillness of the bed and tugs at the blankets Hadon’s got pulled up to his chin.

 

“Okay then, what about chicken and beer?  You love chicken and beer.  Everyone loves chicken and beer!”

 

“I just said I don’t want to drink…”

 

“Yeah, but you can just have chicken-”  Hadon shakes his head and Youngjin’s pout morphs into a full-fledged frown.  

 

Because Hadon’s turning down meat.  Hadon never turns down meat.

 

But that’s the thing.  There’s been something wrong with Hadon ever since he came back from Produce101.

 

He was booted off with Chanyul in the first round, sent home even before the final episodes they’re in air because of tight production budgets and the absolute impossibility of anything happening in those last episodes that could change their rankings enough to save them.

 

Chanyul came back just fine, soft voice and nervous smile still intact.  Completely happy to return to his cozy little bubble of video games and Daehwan and ramyeon, with the added bonus of having a whole bunch of new friends from the show to talk about in his usual clumsy way.

 

Hadon though…

 

“Alright, let’s play pool then!”  Youngjin props himself up on his elbows, grabs Hadon’s knee through the blankets and gives it a shake.  Hadon loves shooting pool.  Loves it so much that the rest of the group never really wants to play with him because he’s good and they’re not.  “I think we should do big bets today…!  Loser pays for double portions of jjajangmyeon?”

 

Hadon jerks his knee away from Youngjin’s touch.  “I don’t want to play pool.”

 

...it’s like something in him died during Produce101.

 

Youngjin can’t place what exactly.  Hadon still does everything he’s supposed to.  Goes to the gym when he’s supposed to, the company when he’s supposed to, doesn’t even show up for practice late.

 

But lately when he writes lyrics with Youngjin in the studio they don’t really make sense or he rips them up before Youngjin can see them and he doesn’t leave their home when he has free time and the smile that used to never quite reach his eyes is now somehow barely even a smile.

 

Chanyul talks about the show a lot.  But when Youngjin asks what happened to Hadon he suddenly doesn’t have much to say.  Hadon doesn’t talk about the show at all.

 

That’s fine.  If he doesn’t want to talk about it right now, then, whatever.  It can be another one of those things the group doesn’t talk about, like Joonyoung’s mood swings or whatever it is that makes Chanyul not act quite right or the fact that there was a guy that they spent every day with for two years and now they act like he never even existed.

 

But Youngjin gave up on those things long ago.  He’s not ready to give up on this one yet.  He promised.

 

“I’ve got it!”  He exclaims, “PC bang!”

 

Hadon does not look impressed at his brilliant suggestion.  “I’ve got a computer right here, Youngjin…”

 

It’s true, he does.  He’s been trying to watch a movie on his laptop this whole time, balanced between his knees, wobbling dangerously whenever Youngjin makes a big excited gesture.

 

This also bothers Youngjin, because it’s all in English and when he scooches up beside Hadon and leans his head on his shoulder so he can see too he learns that Hadon doesn’t even have Korean subtitles on.  

 

And Hadon’s English is good, but not that good.

 

“But PC bang is more fun!  Games are more fun!”  Hadon just grunts and Youngjin tries to close Hadon’s laptop,  “Come on, you barely have to put on pants for PC bang-”

 

“-oh my god, what do you want?!”  Hadon snatches his laptop away from Youngjin and plops it on the floor beside the bed.  He doesn’t bother to pause the movie.

 

“To go out!  With you!”  Youngjin smiles, yanking at Hadon’s blanket-cape-thing again for encouragement, “It’s Friday night!  We have no schedules!  Let’s have fun!  When’s the last time we did anything fun, just the two of us?”

 

“...January?  I told you not to do the last three shots, but you did-”  Youngjin does not remember this,  “-and then you threw up on me in the bus on the way home.  I had to throw that jacket out.  Joonyoung liked that jacket.”

 

Youngjin remembers now because he could never quite purge the exact tone of the death threats Joonyoung made from his mind.  “And wasn’t that fun?!  Come on, let’s do it again!  Please?”

 

Hadon wrenches the blankets back, they fall so they hide most of his face.   “I don’t want to go out!”

 

Youngjin wishes it was as simple as Hadon being annoyed with him.  Hadon’s been annoyed with him literally every other day for about six years running.  But this is more than that.  

 

Youngjin’s big goofy grin fades and he stops pulling at the covers.

 

“Hey, uhm… is everything alright?”  Youngjin rests his head on his knees, stares at what little he can see of Hadon’s eyes.  “Like, did something happen?  On the show?  ‘Cause lately you’ve been kind of, uh-”

 

“-nothing happened.  I just don’t feel like seeing people right now, okay?”

 

Youngjin wants to try more.  He does.  But beyond literally hauling Hadon out of bed he doesn’t know what he can do.

 

“Okay.”  Youngjin gives Hadon a sort of gentle, sort of not pat on what he assumes is his shoulder, “I’m going to, uh, go drop in on my parents then I guess… but I’ll bring you back some food, ‘kay?”

 

Youngjin doesn’t even really hear Hadon’s mumbled response, just watches him pick his laptop back up and stare at the screen with blank eyes before he leaves.

 

It’s another thing Youngjin just can’t get.  On the streets, mixed between people that dress the same as him and shops that change too quick and lights that flash too bright, he’s nobody up until he reaches his parents’ front door.  In the subway he’s anonymous in crowds wearing black and the constant beep of transit cards and the sickly sweet smell of deep-fried dough.

 

Nobody really sees him and he doesn’t really see anybody else either.  Why Hadon doesn’t want to go out and get lost with other guys all sporting facemasks and expensive sneakers is beyond him.

 

But when the last episodes air, Youngjin sees why.  And he’s angry.  They’re all angry.  

 

Eddy’s angry in the way he usually is: fast.  Directs his rage at Hadon because even though he’s been getting better since Prince left his fuse is still fatally short and Hadon’s the easiest target even if he’s maybe not really the right one.

 

“Why the fuck did you let this happen?!”  He shouts, but before Hadon has a chance to defend himself Daehwan, who went to broadcasting school and has always had a stronger sense of right and wrong than the rest of them, jumps in.

 

“He didn’t even do anything!  What even is this?  This editing is terrible?” Daehwan’s bottom lip wobbles like it does whenever he gets upset, “They made you look bad for doing… nothing?”

 

Chanyul’s acting a lot like he did on the show: saying nothing, he just sits on the couch and looks at the ground instead of the television and keeps his hands folded real neat in front of himself while Eddy blows up.

 

“Well, why the fuck did you do nothing then?!”

 

Youngjin might be just as mad as Eddy, even if he doesn’t have the words to show it.  But worse than Eddy, in a way.  He feels like a puppy that’s been kicked and has no idea why.

 

Because why?  Why would anyone do this to Hadon?

 

Someone who’s tried so hard and for so long and who barely even remembers a life before companies and shared rooms and paycheques that make kimbap seem like a treat?

 

Why would anyone want to humiliate someone like Hadon?

 

Youngjin asks, because he can’t believe it.  “What... happened?”

 

Hadon is pretty much doing what he did on the show too.  Eyes on the floor, shoulders hunching, hands clenched tight together.  Saying nothing to help himself.  Doing nothing to help himself.

 

Ignores his own image being shown as useless and undeserving on the television in front of them and ignores Youngjin’s question.

 

Youngjin goes for it again.  It comes out angry this time.  “Hadon, what _happened_?”

 

Hadon doesn’t really look up, only gives a slight shrug.  “Nothing happened.”

 

“Something happened!” Of course something did, or else Hadon wouldn’t be acting like- “What was-”

 

“Nothing.  Happened.”  Hadon gets up, abrupt, the scene on the television has changed again and now he’s up on stage, rapping his lines in _Mansae_ perfectly, “Guess I just wasn’t good enough.”

 

With that he shuffles off to the bedroom.  Even Eddy shuts up for a second and Chanyul gnaws on his lips and Daehwan mumbles something about how pointless that was since they all sleep in the same room.  Youngjin jumps to his feet to go follow him but Eddy catches his arm.

 

“Fuck, whatever.  Just leave it.” Eddy swipes fingers through his hair and scrunches his eyebrows up like it’s a physical effort to hold in his anger. “I’m pissed off too but... just leave him alone, I guess.  You’re gonna make him mad and then it’ll mess things up more...”

 

Youngjin wants to argue that Hadon being angry would be so much better than whatever this is, but he’s not sure Eddy can get that so he huffs a big frustrated breath that ruffles his bangs and lets Hadon go.

 

He turns back to the television in time to catch Mansae Team Two waiting for their results.  Hadon’s in the center of the screen, clutching the kid next to him and Chanyul’s thighs so tight that his knuckles are turning white.

  
  
  
  


They’re stuck for a long time after that.

 

Youngjin expects, they all expect, to try to capitalize on the fact that Hadon and Chanyul were simply on Produce101.  

 

But they don’t.  There are no public schedules, nothing set up for the future, nothing from the company at all.

 

Just that constant commitment to put in their hours, show up at the company building when they have to, do what they’re told to even if it doesn’t make any sense.

 

So they all do a lot of nothing.  There doesn’t seem to be much point in practicing or writing anything if nobody will ever see or hear it.

 

Youngjin finds other things to occupy himself with.  Sees his family a lot.  Looks for part-time work where nobody will know him.  Third-wheels when Daehwan and Chanyul binge on Overwatch.  Joins in on Eddy’s search for the best yukhoe restaurant in their district even though he doesn’t really like yukhoe.  Goes for long runs by the river in the middle of the night because he can.

 

He keeps trying with Hadon.  He does.  But nothing he can say or offer makes Hadon look a single bit more like he wants anything to do with him.  Hadon’s been lost to long days of laying in bed with his headphones in and doing not much else.  In the span of a few months he goes out with other people properly once, and that’s only because Eddy literally drags him out of the house.

 

The days sort of blur together and Youngjin normally isn’t the type to reflect on his feelings but he can’t help it now.  With so much time and no plans and Hadon beginning to look like nothing more than a pair of dark sunken eyes he starts to feel like he’s drowning.  In chocolate sauce or something.  Slow and sticky and being gradually killed by something he loves.

 

Certain days it makes him sad, a sick empty kind of sad that not even chocolate can fill.  But mostly it makes him angry.  When he’s angry he runs.  The farther he runs the less angry he feels.  It works for now but sometimes he wonders if there will be a day when no matter how far he runs the anger won’t go away.

 

Then out of nowhere, there’s something.

 

They all try not to get too excited about it at first.  Brazil, Texas, Mexico, China again and again.  All of those were promised and then taken away.

 

But this time it seems like it’s for real.  A tour in America.  A whole bunch of cities, flying all over the place.  They’re going to be doing full-length concerts, will need to relearn old choreography, configure new stages, prepare new songs.  There’s even a mention that if this goes well, they can finally have the comeback in Korea they’ve all been waiting for.

 

And for the first time in a long time, Hadon seems to care.

 

He gets dressed like he used to when Joonyoung was around and he comes to the studio with ideas and he stays late, slouching over the soundboards while bobbing his head to rough beats and slurping at americanos.

 

They have a bit of freedom in what they want to perform, and Youngjin doesn’t even have to beg too much to get Hadon to agree to do a duet with him.

 

Youngjin thinks that since they’re basically a subunit they should have their own name.

 

“What about ‘Double S’?” He asks, leaning back in his chair and stroking thoughtfully at his chin.

 

“Then people will just call us ‘stupid and stupider’, Youngjin.”

 

But Hadon cracks a grin when he says it, and Youngjin smiles back even though Hadon scratches out a huge chunk of the lyrics he just penned and thought were pretty sick because he can’t really remember the last time he saw Hadon smile.

 

They practice and they practice and they practice and by the time they have to leave they’re all excited.  Because the concerts are going to be good, and they know it.  Their old material is polished and their new stuff is great and even though the stage feels empty without Joonyoung they know what they’ve got is worth seeing.  Youngjin thinks his and Hadon’s duet is especially good, even if Hadon tells him that ripping off his shirt at the end every time is probably unnecessary (ripping off shirts is always necessary, no matter what Hadon says).

 

Daehwan’s pumped to see places he’s only ever read about and Eddy’s been going nonstop with childhood stories even though they’re not visiting California at all and even Chanyul, who hates traveling and English and sitting next to Youngjin in airplanes, is talking about how much he wants to go.

 

Hadon’s into it too, spending just as long as everyone else picking outfits and mulling over accessories to bring and he gets this perm thing that Youngjin, in place of Joonyoung, can’t keep his hands out of.

 

“You’re really excited, huh?”  Youngjin asks, hovering over Hadon as he rearranges his suitcase and ruffling big fingers through his fluffy hair.

 

“Can you stop touching my hair?  For like, just a minute?  Please?”  Hadon smiles as he deliberates over four different pairs of sunglasses, “And… yeah.  ‘Course.”

 

“Even though we can’t see Joonyoung?”

 

Hadon shrugs, shoving all the sunglasses into his suitcase.  “Yeah, ‘s cool.”

 

“It just doesn’t seem… very fair?” Youngjin flops down beside Hadon’s luggage, notices how Hadon sort of flinches, “Y’know, that this is his first break and we won’t even be here to see him?”

 

“Yeah, well… we’ll just tell him about it later, I guess.” Hadon slams his suitcase shut, “Fuck, I can’t wait to get out of here…”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Just… there’s got to be more than this, right?”

 

Youngjin scooches over so Hadon will have room to sit next to him, “More than what?”

 

Hadon doesn’t sit.  “I dunno… like, eating the same shit every day and your family always asking what’s happening all the time and having nothing to say and… waiting…”

 

Youngjin has a bad feeling that there isn’t, but he gets that it’s probably not the right thing to say.  “Sure there is!  And we’re gonna go do it…”

 

And they do.

 

Because it doesn’t matter what they’ve all heard, America is awesome.

 

Well, maybe the concerts themselves aren’t all that awesome.  A lot of the time the venues are too big and the crowds are too small and even though Youngjin doesn’t mind being in photos he knows Hadon’s always felt like posing for pictures with fans for money kind of seems like being whored out.

 

But they’ve performed for smaller audiences before and it feels so good to be back up on stage again, together, doing what they’re supposed to do that none of all that really matters too much.

 

They get to see stuff and eat and drink and shop and have actual free time with no supervision and for them there really isn’t anything better than that.  Eddy translates and they find out that Hadon _can_ eat more hotdogs than Youngjin and they meet the leader of Daehwan and Chanyul’s old group (he has big arms and Youngjin is jealous) and Youngjin buys double chocolate oreos and a container of nutella bigger than his fist because _holy shit_ , double chocolate oreos and containers of nutella bigger than his own fist!

 

But maybe the best part of all for Youngjin is how alive Hadon is again.  He opens up his social media accounts and he dresses like he wants to be seen and the look of awe on his face when they walk through the middle of New York makes Youngjin’s heart thump all fluttery in his chest.

 

It makes him so happy and he thinks maybe it’s better that they can’t see Joonyoung right now because when they do get to see him Hadon will be all Hadon-y again and Youngjin didn’t give up and neither did Hadon and everything will somehow be okay until Joonyoung comes back for good.

 

And then right in the middle of the tour it’s like Hadon gets the life punched out of him.

 

It’s been a long day and a long tour.  Hadon’s been surly all day, mostly looking at his phone and barely smiling for photos and only speaking when spoken to.  But today’s concert had a noticeably tiny crowd and even Youngjin could feel the jetlag and the exhaustion of being somewhere new every day catching up with him.  So he’s only a tiny bit disappointed when Hadon ignores his polite offer of a double chocolate oreo dipped in nutella (Eddy, on the other hand, tells him that’s fucking disgusting) and climbs into their hotel bed without a single word.

 

Except much later Youngjin can’t sleep and he’s pretty sure that it has nothing to do with how he ate a whole package of double chocolate oreos dipped in nutella and is more related to how Hadon isn’t asleep either and keeps turning his phone screen on and off, on and off, room flickering light and dark.

 

Youngjin counts thirteen flashes before he turns onto his side and spoons up close to Hadon.

 

“What are you doing?”  He shout-whispers, because he never really was good at whispering but he doesn’t want to wake up Eddy in the next bed over, and Hadon immediately shuts his phone screen off.

 

“Nothing.  I’m sleeping.”  Hadon whispers back, curling into himself and away from Youngjin.  

 

“No you’re not.”

 

“Well, I would be if you weren’t breathing on my neck.  Stop breathing on my neck.”

 

“I’m not breathing on your neck.” Youngjin says, breathing on Hadon’s neck.  “What are you looking at?  On your phone?”

 

“I’m not looking at anything.”

 

“You were.  Is it Joonyoung?  I saw that he posted that picture on instagram today and I-”

 

“Youngjin.”  Hadon suddenly rolls over, face so close to Youngjin’s that Youngjin smells his toothpaste-minty breath, “It’s nothing.  Really.”

 

“But I know you two haven’t been talking much and-”

 

It’s late night and Youngjin can barely see Hadon’s face, hidden behind a mass of frizzy hair.  Youngjin instinctively reaches out, pushes back dark bangs and Hadon tenses up.  “Just go to sleep.  Please?”

 

“But-”  Youngjin digs beneath the covers, puts a big palm on Hadon’s thigh and hopes for any sort of reaction.

 

“Please.”

 

Youngjin opens his mouth to say more but Hadon’s eyes are heavy and sad in the dim light so he just breathes all chocolatey over his face instead.  “‘kay.”

 

Hadon cringes and shifts away.  Youngjin crosses his arms and fights off the urge to smack Hadon with a pillow and ends up staring at the back of his head until he drifts off to an uneasy sleep.

 

Right before his eyes shut for the night he sees Hadon flick his phone on again, gets a glimpse of the picture Joonyoung uploaded earlier underneath Hadon’s thumbs.

 

 

 


	3. part 3

 

 

Youngjin wonders why he thought their lives would change after America.

 

Because they don’t.

 

Things go back to being exactly the way they were before.

 

The comeback is “delayed”.  Eddy drinks with his friends.  Youngjin doesn’t hear from Joonyoung much.  He’s in some sort of special intense training and his sister had her baby so he’s “busy”.  Hadon lies around and listens to music.  Daehwan and Chanyul spend a lot of time together at the studio.  They say they’re practicing but Youngjin has a feeling that they just want to get away from everyone else. 

 

Youngjin’s not good at sitting around doing nothing.

 

He’s frustrated.  So frustrated.

 

Frustrated with Joonyoung for not calling even though he knows he really can’t.  Frustrated with Daehwan and Chanyul for wanting time to themselves even though he knows they deserve it.  Frustrated with Eddy for being the only one of them who gets any work even though he knows it’s only because Eddy can speak English.

 

He’s  _ really _ frustrated with Hadon for not wanting to do anything with him even though they have the most time they’ve ever had.

 

Most of all, he’s frustrated with himself for not being able to do anything at all.

 

His nighttime runs get so long he’s gone for hours on end.  One night he runs so far that he reaches to a part of the river he’s never seen before.  His hairline’s dripping sweat so badly he can hardly see but he still wants to go farther.  He does, goes until his legs give up and it hurts to walk.  But he’s still angry.  He buys popsicles at the closest convenience store because usually popsicles make him happy but he doesn’t eat them, just holds them until they drip away.  By the time he gets home the sun is almost coming up again.  Chanyul’s awake for some reason, asks quietly why he’s covered in melted… something.  Hadon’s asleep and Youngjin can’t bring himself to get into bed beside him.  He starts sleeping on the couch after he goes for runs.

 

He’s worried about what he’ll do when it starts to get so cold it snows and he can’t run outside anymore.

 

They’re given something to do before it comes to that.

 

They just don’t think that something is going to be another survival show.

 

The company assures them that it will be different this time.  It will be mostly other idols and… well, it’s  _ YG _ .   

 

The name YG makes Youngjin feel the same sort of starstruck he did when they first told him he’d get to meet Jackie Chan.  YG means fame, working with the big shots, the impressed whispers of people around you when they hear what company you belong to.  YG is a promise that there won’t be any more part-time work on a construction site.

 

Except when Chanyul’s out of earshot Daehwan mutters that they were promised those same things when they signed here too.

 

There are a lot of rounds of auditions to go through just to get YG himself to take a look at them.

 

Individual auditions are first, so they’ve all got to prepare something themselves.  They’re told there will be special attention given to rappers who write their own lyrics, so Youngjin does.

 

He tries to channel all that frustration into words.  He thinks he does a pretty good job.  It’s darker than what he usually writes, but it’s real and he means it all and it’s good.

 

The auditions come and Youngjin is nervous, but he’s excited.  This is a chance to show what he can do, what they can all do.  He tries not to think about how it’s probably a last chance.

 

“So?  How’d you do?”  Youngjin asks as Hadon leaves the audition room and plops down beside him.  They’re in a hallway waiting with a whole bunch of other people.  Trainees, friends from other groups, members of groups they’ve only heard of, ex-members of groups that have fallen apart.  All people that need this chance as much as them.

 

Hadon shrugs.  “Fine, I guess.”

 

It’s weird.  When they were told they had to audition for the show, Youngjin kind of expected Hadon to flip.  He has no idea why Hadon would ever want to go on one of these again.  

 

Not that he really has a choice. 

 

But he hardly even blinked at the orders and he prepared his piece quietly and hasn’t shown much of any sort of feeling throughout the whole process.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.  Same as always.” 

 

Youngjin squirms.  They all audition a lot.  They rarely get parts in anything.

 

“So-”  It’s too late.  Youngin’s up next, a frazzled staff member is calling his name and gesturing towards a door.  “Well, guess that’s me…”

 

Hadon nods, fishes his phone out of a pocket, barely looks at Youngjin.  Youngjin stands, stretches, makes finger-guns at Eddy who’s motioning for him to leave.  He turns to go when Hadon grabs his sleeve.

 

“Youngjin…!  I, uh…”  As soon as they make eye contact Hadon lets go of Youngjin’s shirt, fidgets, “Uh… y’know… doesn’t matter.  Good luck, or whatever.”   

 

“I’m Simba!  I don’t need luck!”  Youngjin winks, speaks twice as loud as he thinks he does.  He doesn’t notice how about fifteen potential contestants stare at him.  Hadon rolls his eyes and shoves him in the direction of the auditions room.

 

Youngjin’s audition does go about the same as always.  He does his piece, he says as much of the truth about himself as he’s allowed to, he smiles his biggest smile even though they ask him about the state of the group and he feels either like crying or putting his fist through a wall, and he leaves.  Nobody on the panel looks particularly impressed or particularly repulsed.  All they can do is wait.

 

But they’re far from trainees.  And YG is looking for hundreds of contestants.  They’ve got to have a pretty good shot at getting in. 

 

Maybe that’s why Youngjin sort of loses his mind when their managers give them the results.

 

Because he really can’t believe it.  It can’t be right.  How can it be all of them  _ except _ Hadon?  How could everyone else make it through if Hadon couldn’t?

 

Nobody says much of anything when they’re told.  Youngjin stares at Hadon.  Hadon stares at the floor.  Daehwan and Chanyul look anywhere but at Hadon.  Eddy says he’s going out to drink, won’t be home until late. 

 

Youngjin’s in shock for the whole trip from the company to their dorm, but as soon as they’re not being watched his muscles screw up tight and everything feels drippy hot and uncomfortable.

 

He grabs Hadon by the wrist before he can shuffle off to his bed.  He asks.  He has to know.   

 

“What… happened?”  He tries not to sound angry, but he does.  He is.

 

Hadon frowns, makes a weak effort to tug his hand away.  “Why do you always think ‘something’ happened?”

 

“Because something did!”  Youngjin might be shouting, “Or you wouldn’t be the only one of us that failed the audition!”

 

Hadon’s wrist goes slack, he bites his bottom lip.  

 

“D’you ever think…” He mumbles, “...that maybe I’m really just not good enough?”

 

That can’t be true.  Of course it can’t be true.  When it comes down to pure skill, if Youngjin’s being really honest, Hadon has to be their best.  Rapping, writing, singing, dancing, acting, he’s the only one of them who can do it all well.  

 

So the lying makes Youngjin’s vision go a little red.

 

“Bullshit!  Something happened!  You… you did something… or didn’t do something!”

 

“I didn’t.”  Hadon closes his eyes, Youngjin closes his hand tighter around his wrist, “Can you… let go?”

 

“Only if you tell me what happened!”

 

“ _ Nothing _ happened.”

 

“Don’t lie!”

 

“I’m not.  So if you’d let go and-”

 

Youngjin doesn’t mean to do it.  Not really.  Maybe he channels Joonyoung or something, that’s the only way he can explain it.

 

Whatever the reason is, the slap is  _ loud _ .  It echoes in their apartment and Youngjin hears Chanyul gasp from where he’s kicking off his shoes in the doorway with Daehwan.

 

Hadon’s head whips to the side and his eyes are shocked wide open and Youngjin can’t really believe what he’s done either so he freezes and then it’s terrible and dead quiet until Hadon reaches up and touches his cheek.

 

“Did you just…  _ slap _ me?” Each word comes out real slow, like this is all some weird dream, “The hell was that for?”

 

For Youngjin, that’s the wrong question.  How can Hadon not know why?  

 

“Stop it! Stop it stop it stop it!”  Youngjin shouts, “Stop acting like this!”

 

For the first time in a long time, something Youngjin thought was very dead flashes in Hadon’s eyes.

 

“Stop?  Who the fuck do you think you are?  Joonyoung?!  You think you can treat me like this?!”

 

“Yes!  I’m the leader!  I can!  And if you don’t start telling me what you did, I’ll… I’ll…”

 

Hadon’s left cheek is bright red and his eyes are dark and scary.  “You’ll what?”

 

Youngjin raises a big hand and Hadon sets his jaw.

 

“Do that again…” Hadon murmurs, low, “...and I’ll fuckin’ kill you.”

 

Youngjin would like to see him try.  So he does.

 

The second slap is harder.  Hadon staggers and clutches his cheek and his hair falls in front of his eyes and he stays there for an uncomfortably long moment, hunched over and holding his face.  If Youngjin wasn’t beyond pissed off he’d go and check if he’s actually okay, and even now he takes an uncertain step forward and reaches out and-

 

Youngjin doesn’t even see the punch coming.  He hears it before he understands what’s happened, a sickening crack of his jaw and then he’s on his knees, room spinning and teeth rattling in his head.  He scrambles to his feet just in time to catch Hadon by the forearm, dodge a second punch when he lunges towards him.

 

Then they’re scrabbling.  Youngjin tangles his fingers in Hadon’s shirt so he can’t take another big swing, Hadon shoves back against his chest to try to put some space between them.

 

Youngjin’s barely aware of Chanyul screeching at them to stop and Daehwan’s effort to pull them apart.  They’re both useless in a fight and this doesn’t involve them anyways.  It’s between him and Hadon, and Youngjin’s going to win.  No doubt about it.  Hadon may be really strong and he may hit really hard, but Youngjin’s bigger and he’s got months of anger that he’s never been able to run off driving him forward.  

 

He tugs down sharp on Hadon’s shirt, throwing him off balance, and manages to spin him into a headlock.  It’s easy then, two quick punches to Hadon’s stomach with his free arm that knock the breath out of him and make his knees buckle.

 

“You give?”  Youngjin grunts, wincing as Hadon’s fingernails dig into his skin, trying to tug the arm away from his neck.

 

Hadon’s laugh is choked.  “Y’think?” 

 

There’s a sudden shift in Hadon’s weight, and because they haven’t fought like this since their trainee days Youngjin doesn’t understand what’s happening until Hadon ducks forward and he’s lifted off his feet, thrown over Hadon’s shoulder.

 

He wheezes in pain when he lands on his back, but he catches Hadon in the eye with a bony elbow as he goes so Hadon recoils away from him and he has time to stand again.  He gets an arm up, blocks another swing, catches Hadon’s hands in his own and refuses to let go.

 

He pushes and twists until they’re playing a messed up game of mercy.  Youngjin uses his height advantage to angle down, bend in a way that makes the veins in Hadon’s arms pop out and he gives a sharp gasp of pain but he won’t stop.  He snarls and shoves until Youngjin’s back hits the living room wall but Youngjin still holds on, just as tight, sweating and flushed the same angry red as Hadon.  Hadon struggles against him even though if Youngjin keeps wrenching his arms like this he’ll probably break a wrist or dislocate a shoulder and still, after everything, Youngjin doesn’t want to go that far.

 

“Give up!”  He shouts, face inches from Hadon’s, “Give up!  Give up like you gave up on Produce101!  Give up like you gave up in the audition!!!”

 

Hadon, just for a second, looks like he’s been crushed.  

 

Then he almost sneers.  It’s gross because his bottom lip split open at some point and his mouth is full of blood.  He draws his head back and Youngjin’s given a second of horror to realize his mistake.  Didn’t think it was a possibility because idols don’t normally risk hurting their own faces, but he guesses they’re both way beyond that now.

 

Hadon’s forehead connects with Youngjin’s nose with enough force that the back of Youngjin’s skull cracks against the wall.  Tears immediately flood his eyes and blood pours from his nose and he sinks to the ground, dazed and blinded.

 

Hadon’s on top of him right away, and Youngjin knows he’s lost.  He has a fleeting thought that if things were slightly different this would be pretty hot, Hadon straddling his lap like this, and then he curses his stupid body and his stupid mind because he thinks Hadon might make good on his threat and actually kill him.

 

The last thing Youngjin does is pull his hands up to protect his face, because if Hadon does beat him to a pulp he’d at least like his face to be mostly intact, and blood and tears track over the sides of his jaw and his chest heaves up and down and he waits for Hadon to finish it.

 

But instead of the rib-shattering punch Youngjin’s expecting, a shaking palm falls flat on his chest, and then nothing.  Youngjin waits and waits and waits but nothing comes.  He gets tired of waiting to die and takes a risk.  He wipes his eyes with the back of a hand and peers up at Hadon and sees why he’s not being punched black and blue right now.

 

Because Hadon’s  _ crying _ .

 

He’s trembling and his head is bowed and tears are tracking down his face and mixing with the blood from his split lip and Youngjin feels about as awful as he did when he took the first fist in the face.

 

Hadon notices Youngjin looking and breaks.

 

“Fuck you!  Fuck you, fuck you,  _ fuck you _ !” He screams, voice wobbly and cracking, “You don’t get to say that to me!  I didn’t give up!  Everybody gave up on me!  Everybody gave up on  _ us _ !”

 

“H-Hadon-”

 

Hadon sobs.  “Stop!  Shut up!  You’re a-always asking me what happened!  Well, I don’t!  Fucking!  Know!  Youngjin!  Maybe my audition wasn’t p-perfect, maybe I took the fall for a bunch of kids who didn’t know any better on the show!  But that’s ‘cause I didn’t want them to end up like me!”   
  


Tears are still coming from Youngjin’s eyes but now it might not be just because his nose was bashed in.

 

“Because no matter what the fuck I do, it’s not good enough is it?  Is it?!  I spent the last eight years not giving up and it was all completely fuckin’ pointless wasn’t it?!  Wasn’t it?  Is this what you w-wanted to hear, Youngjin?!  That I hate myself?  That I hate it all?!  Because I do!!!”

 

“Hadon, I-”

 

“Oh, and you want to know about Joonyoung?  Well, here it is!  I… I m-miss him every single fucking day and I’ll probably miss him forever!  ‘Cause by the time he’s out I don’t think we’ll be here for him to come back to!”  

 

Youngjin feels sick.  He grabs out for Hadon, Hadon jerks away and onto his feet.

 

“No!  Fuck off!  This is what you wanted, right?  Right?!” Youngjin hates the way Hadon’s face is crumpled, “Well, I hope you’re fucking happy!”  

 

He’s not.  

 

Hadon slams a door somewhere in their apartment, Youngjin throws his arm over his face and lies on the living room floor.

 

 


	4. part 4

 

It takes about twenty minutes for Daehwan to get Youngjin’s nose to stop bleeding.

 

“Yeah, I know it looks bad... but is it broken?”  Youngjin asks, raising the stained towel he’s been clamping to his nose.

 

“You’d deserve it.”  Chanyul mutters, and even Daehwan stares.

 

Youngjin feels bad enough as it is.  About everything.  The death glares Chanyul’s been sending him aren’t really helping.  “Why are _you_ so mad at _me_?”

 

Chanyul crosses his arms tighter.  “Because that was all your fault?”

 

“‘Scuse me?”

 

“You should apologize.”

 

“He broke my nose!”  Youngjin shakes his bloodstained towel for emphasis.

 

“It’s not even broken-”  Daehwan tries to reason and is ignored.

 

“Don’t care.  You should’ve known!”

 

Youngjin cocks his head to the side, the sudden movement makes his nose start dripping again and Daehwan sighs.  “Known what?”

 

“That… that…” Chanyul scrunches up his face and pinches at his nose, it’d be kind of cute if Youngjin didn’t get the feeling that Chanyul would like to hit him too, “Y’know, he thinks I don’t know what he did… on the show… but I do!”

 

“And he did… what?”

 

“When they… when they split us up into groups… and we, uh, nobody p-picked us… everyone, uhm, in our leftover group… felt pretty, uh, bad?  And they were going around, picking on people… for the camera… y’know trying to embarrass someone, or make them cry, or something… to be dramatic, I guess?  Do people really like to watch that stuff?” Chanyul blinks angrily, “And, and… they were, like, focusing on one person from each group, you could tell… and Hadon didn’t say this but I know... I know!  He _chose_ to be that person for us!  He let everyone yell at him and treat him bad and… he wouldn’t even cry or anything because you know he’d never do that and Joonyoung-hyung was calling all the time and Hadon was telling him everything was fine when it wasn’t really and-”

 

“Why’d he do it?”  Youngjin cuts in, stomach dropping with every stuttered word.

 

“Ask him when you apologize.  Which you should!”

 

While normally it might be a bit hard for Youngjin to apologize to someone who’s given him a bloody nose, right now it’s not the damage to his face that hurts.  

 

Hadon’s cheeks stained with tears and blood as he sobbed on top of him, the mental image of Hadon lying to Joonyoung while he tried to protect a bunch of strangers, the thought of a future without Joonyoung; for Youngjin, that’s pain that wounds deeper than Hadon’s fists ever could.

 

And he also sort of feels like getting in a fist fight with Hadon isn’t really what Joonyoung had in mind when he asked Youngjin to not give up on him.

 

So Youngjin apologizes in a way that makes sense to himself.

 

He makes a quick trip to the convenience store on the corner of their street, isn’t aware of the way the clerk stares when he pays for all his stuff with his bruised knuckles and his massive swollen jaw, and returns to their dorm with a plastic bag full of treasures.  Hadon’s been hiding out in the bathroom and Youngjin’s about to barge in because the door can’t actually lock anymore (he broke it, he blamed Chanyul) but he stops and knocks.

 

Hadon’s voice is muffled and rough through the door.  “You _know_ it doesn’t lock.”

 

He looks pretty far from impressed when it’s Youngjin that comes in.  Youngjin feels pretty terrible.

 

Hadon’s sitting on the grotty tile floor, crimson-smudged hands holding knees tucked up to his chest, a pile of bloody toilet paper strewn at his feet.  His bottom lip is just beginning to seal, a dark crack right in the middle, and the eye that isn’t nearly swollen over is red-rimmed.

 

He looks small and hurt and sad.  

 

Like he’s really given up.

 

He stares at the wall when Youngjin sits on the floor between him and the toilet.

 

Youngjin huffs but busies himself with his convenience store haul.

 

He takes out two litres of chocolate ice cream and rests a spoon on top, places it on the ground between them.  Hadon doesn’t budge.  Youngjin doesn’t mind, he didn’t really want to share anyways.

 

Then he produces a couple cans of beer, icy-cold from the walk home.  Hadon’s ears twitch in interest at the sound of metal connecting with tile.

 

Youngjin saves his best for last.  He lays down a carton of smokes and a lighter and Hadon’s hand shoots out immediately.  Youngjin’s just as fast, catches Hadon’s hand in his own.

 

“Just one, okay?”

 

“Come on, at least three...”

 

“Two?”

 

“Deal.”  Hadon nods, satisfied.  Youngjin stands for a second to prop the bathroom window open, notices how Hadon’s fingers shake as he fumbles with the packaging.

 

He relaxes a little as soon as he’s got the first cigarette lit, slumps back against the wall and lets his legs spread.  Youngjin passes him two cans, cracks one open and puts the other in his hand.

 

“It’s for your face.”  Youngjin demonstrates, opening one can to drink and holding the other to his throbbing jaw.  

 

Hadon raises an eyebrow, but he presses a beer to his black eye and hisses.  “Ah, fuck… that’s good…”

 

Youngjin opens his ice cream, holds it between his knees so he can eat with one hand and ice his face with the other.  Any anger he has left melts away like the frozen dessert he smears around his mouth.  Hadon closes his eyes and takes long drags and smoke curls from his nostrils.  They sit in silence until Hadon burns through his first cigarette and tosses the butt onto the bathroom floor.

 

He puts another between his lips, flicks the lighter.  “So-”

 

“I’m sorry!”  Youngjin blurts out.

 

Hadon stares at the small flame in his hands.  “Don’t be.  Not your fault.”

 

“I hit you first!”

 

The paper catches, Hadon extinguishes the flame.  “And I hit you back.”

 

Youngjin looks at Hadon, sees dried tear tracks on his cheeks reflected in the light from the burning smoke.  “Joonyoung-hyung always liked that about you, y’know.  That you’re not afraid to hit back.”

 

“Yeah, well, I wish I was.”  Hadon tilts his head back, blows a puff of smoke up towards the window, wincing in pain at the movement.  “I thought maybe I’d feel… dunno, better?  After all that?  But I still feel like shit and now my face fuckin’ hurts.”

 

Youngjin nods in agreeance, shovels a big spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.  “You hit a lot harder than I remember.”

 

“You too… your nose isn’t broken, is it?”

 

Youngjin shakes his head.

 

“Good.  Felt bad about that right after I did it.”  

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“It’s not.”  Hadon closes his eyes again, dangles the cigarette between his fingertips.  “It’s pretty fucked up that we think this is okay.  But I guess everything here’s always been pretty fucked up, huh?”

 

Youngjin doesn’t disagree.

 

“Just, y’know… I… _I’ve_ been feeling pretty fucked up for a while… ‘specially since we went on that stupid show and-”

 

“You don’t have to talk about it.”  Youngjin traces a finger through the melted ice cream on the ridge of the container, “Not if you don’t want to.”

 

“Don’t be a dick.”  The corner of Hadon’s mouth quirks, “You gave me a black eye because you wanted me to talk to you!  I want to talk now.  Let me talk.”

 

“I just meant, uh... Chanyul told me what you did.  On the show.”

 

“He did, huh?”  Hadon shakes his head, “I know it was a fuckin’ stupid thing to do but…”

 

“Wasn’t stupid.  It was… nice?  Really, really nice.”

 

“Didn’t do it to be nice.  Did it because I felt like I had to, I guess.”  

 

“Hmm?”

 

“We, me and Chanyul… we were bigger losers than ever there, Youngjin.  Nobody cared that we’d been idols for years… hell, nobody’d even fuckin’ heard of us before…” Hadon pauses, takes a big draw from his smoke, “...and then when nobody picked us… well, fuck, I knew it was over.”

 

Patience has never been one of Youngjin’s virtues, but he stuffs his face with ice cream and lets Hadon continue at his own tempo.

 

“And I stood there with those guys, those kids in our group that nobody else wanted… and I just… I couldn’t?  Like, for most of them that was their chance, right?  And it was already embarrassing enough being on the show in the first place… and then not being picked… and then they were gonna be humiliated for ‘entertainment’... and… I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt Chanyul.  Never.”  Hadon’s gripping his beer can so hard it crumples, “So… yeah.  I let it be me.  I mean, they all thought I was a huge fuckin’ loser anyways.”

 

Youngjin wipes at the melted ice cream around his mouth, just makes the back of his hand and his face sticky.  “They didn’t.  You’re not.”

 

“Youngjin, come on.   _We’re_ losers.  Look at us.”

 

Youngjin does, and he didn’t really envisage sitting bloody and bruised on the floor of a tiny bathroom drinking beer and eating ice cream at any point in his idol career.  But then again he likes ice cream and beer and Hadon, so it’s not all bad.

 

“But like, at least you’re... _you_ , y’know?  No matter what you do, people are gonna love you.” Hadon continues, “But me?  Shit, I dunno what I did… if I’m really not good enough, or not enough like you, or not fuckin’ hot enough, or-”

 

Youngjin shrugs. “I think you’re hot.”

 

“You think everyone’s hot though.”

 

“Doesn’t make you any less hot.”

 

“Whatever.” Hadon almost smiles.  Almost.  “Don’t make me laugh, my lip’ll split open again.”

 

Youngjin does smile and he finds out that it really hurts to move his face like that.  “But you look even more hot when you lau-”

 

“ _Anyways_.  Point is that we’ve been so fucking unlucky, Youngjin.  All of us… there’s no real reason for what’s happened to us… and like even if I’d gone and cried about how unfair life is and everything in front of the cameras, it wouldn’t’ve changed anything?  Me and Chanyul would’ve still been kicked off when we were… and I wasn’t gonna be remembered as some miserable washed-up idol that had to bawl for attention, or whatever.”

 

“Nah, I can’t really see you doing that.”  Youngjin pauses, washes down chocolate with a gulp of lukewarm beer, watches Hadon work on the dregs of his cigarette, “Is that why you didn’t pass the audition?  For Mixnine?”

 

Hadon takes a long time to answer, savouring the final hits of nicotine.

 

“I didn’t mean to mess it up.  Honestly.  I just knew it was a waste of time from the beginning and, well, they asked me about Produce101 and I sorta froze, I guess.  Just didn’t want to be there at all.  Didn’t want people staring at me, judging me, telling me I “don’t deserve it” all over again... for nothing.  Again.”  He takes one last lingering drag then flicks the butt onto the floor beside the first one, ashes scatter across the tile, “Think it’s all been for nothing.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“It is.  I’ve been here, what?  Most of my life?  And what is there to show for it now?  I don’t know about you, but I’m… tired of keeping it all in, trying to act like we’re not fucked… just tired of everything here!  Like, we live by someone else’s rules and they don’t seem to give a single shit about us!  Still in debt too... when it’s really over I don’t know what I’ll do, how I’ll be able to pay it back.”  Hadon’s voice trembles just a little, “Y’know, whenever things here have been completely shit, I’d tell myself I’m staying for Joonyoung… but I really don’t know how long we’ve got left… and if we aren’t here, then how will me and Joonyoung…?  And with no Joonyoung too… seems like it’s all been pretty pointless...”    

 

“Don’t say that.  I’d do it all over again in a second.”

 

Hadon laughs, a quick doubting bark, then swears.

 

“Fuck, now look what you’ve done.” His lip’s torn open again, blood starts to trickle a lazy stream down his chin.  Youngjin doesn’t say anything, sits still for long enough that Hadon shifts a bit and actually looks at him.  “Shit, you’re serious, aren’t you?  Why?  Why would you ever want to do this again?”

 

For Youngjin, it’s easy.

 

“So I could meet Joonyoung-hyung and Eddy-hyung and Prince-hyung and Daehwan and Chanyul.”  He says simply.  “So I could meet _you_.”

 

Hadon opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again.  “...really?”

 

Youngjin’s mind spins inwards, drags up images of the last six years.  Remembers being so hungry he couldn’t sleep, forcing himself to memorize his dance routines when he’d been injured so bad it was a struggle just to stay conscious, nights spent pretending he wasn’t crying because he wasn’t allowed to spend holidays with his family.

 

He also remembers climbing out of windows with Hadon to sneak off and eat ramyeon in convenience stores in the middle of the night.  He remembers Hadon helping pick gravel out of his scraped up palms after he fell during a brutal run the company had forced them to do as punishment for showing up late to practice.  He remembers Hadon never saying anything whenever he caught him crying (which happened a lot more than Youngjin wants to admit), instead offering an earbud and quietly sharing music and a lopsided smile.

 

“Yup.  All of it.  Everything.”

 

Hell, he’d even live through today a thousand times if he had to.

 

Hadon rubs at his chin, looks at Youngjin with those sad dark eyes.  “You mean it?”

 

“‘Course.  Wouldn’t want to live without meeting you.”  Youngjin mumbles, “So can you, I dunno, stay with me?  Please?”

 

Hadon fiddles with the tab on a beer can.  “What exactly are you asking?”

 

“Joonyoung told me to look out for you before he left-”

 

“He did?”

 

“-but that’s not why.”  The bathroom’s getting hot.  Maybe.  Or maybe it’s just Youngjin’s face, pressure building up prickly-warm behind his eyelids.  “Look, I know everyone thinks I’m stupid, but... I know it too.  That we won’t be around much longer.”

 

Hadon nods, it looks like it hurts.

 

“A… a lot of it’s my fault.  I’m the leader, but I couldn’t make anyone stay.”  Youngjin suddenly finds his half-melted ice cream in his lap very interesting, “I couldn’t make Prince stay and we pretty much lost Eddy when Prince left… and then we lost Joonyoung-hyung and now it’s like… I’m losing you too.”

 

The carton of dessert blurs in front of Youngjin’s eyes.

 

“And if you’re not here… I don’t know?  If... I lose you now, then it really will all be pointless…”

 

Hadon says nothing for a long time, Youngjin squeezes his eyes shut to keep the tears in.  There’s the clink of metal on tile, Youngjin assumes Hadon’s set his face-beer down and is getting ready to leave.

 

He nearly jumps when a warm hand gently pries his own away from his ice cream.

 

“What’re you doing?”

 

“Holding your hand, idiot.”  Hadon murmurs, twining their fingers together with some effort.  Hadon’s hand is crusty with dried blood.  Youngjin’s is sticky with melted ice cream.  Nothing in the world could make Youngjin want to let go.  

 

“You don’t like that kind of stuff.”

 

“No, but you do.”  Hadon goes one further, shuffles close and leans his head on Youngjin’s shoulder.  Youngjin thinks he must be concussed.  “...sorry I’ve been so shitty.  ‘Course I’ll stay with you.  ‘Til the end.”

 

Youngjin can’t help it.  He cries.

 

He’s never been a pretty crier.  More of the snotty and blubbering kind.  He’s embarrassed and dripping but Hadon doesn’t budge.  He holds Youngjin’s fingers tight in his own and rests his messy head on him and puts up with him like he’s put up with him for years.

 

“Don’t cry in your ice cream.”  Hadon says softly, “It’ll taste funny.”

 

Youngjin half laughs, half sobs, tears streaming down his cheeks as he cries for all the things they lost and all the things they could have been.  

 

“H-hey, Hadon…?”

 

“Yeah?”  Hadon’s quiet and warm, smells like stale smoke and beer and sweat.  He clings close to Youngjin like Youngjin’s not the leader and he’s not the maknae and they’re just two people that have suffered together for a very long time.

 

Once everything’s been taken away from them, that’s all they will be.

 

And maybe now, now that they’re saying everything else, maybe it’s time to tell Hadon.  In plain, simple words, those stupid, stupid thoughts, stupid feelings, everything that stupid Hadon has always been to stupid Youngjin.

 

“I-”  But Eddy barges in, looking like he’s ready to explode, and Youngjin figures it doesn’t matter that much whether he says those things or not.  He’s pretty sure Hadon already knows.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”  Eddy’s stinks like an overpriced club, all red and sweaty and desperate.  The veins in his neck pop out as he stares at Hadon and Youngjin huddled together on the bathroom floor.  “What the fuck did you two do?!”

 

Youngjin makes a poor attempt to wipe at his eyes and nose.  Hadon barely opens his eyes, keeps leaning against Youngjin and squeezing his hand.  “Thought you were out?”

 

“I was, but then they-” Eddy gestures at Chanyul and Daehwan, standing timid in the doorway, “-called me and told me you were fuckin’ killing each other!”

 

Hadon doesn’t flinch at how Eddy’s voice echoes loud in the tiny bathroom.  “Well, clearly we’re not.”

 

“No, but it smells like you’ve been smoking, you little fuck!” Eddy takes a step closer, scowls.  “And your faces are both… kinda messed up, honestly…”

 

Daehwan tries to be helpful.  “Nothing a bit of makeup won’t fix.”

 

Eddy ignores him.  “How can you both be so dumb?!  The hell even happened?”

 

“Nothing happened.”  Youngjin sniffles.  

 

That makes Hadon smile.  He interrupts Eddy right as he’s about to reach his limit.

 

“Listen, you stupid fucking-”

 

“Hyung, want a beer?”  Hadon holds out a can and Eddy gapes at Hadon’s calm.

 

“I- no, I don’t!  Fuck you!” Eddy tries to maintain his authoritative rage, but he stares at the beer like he really needs it.  “No… I- fuck, fine.  Gimme.”

 

“You guys want one too?”  Hadon raises two more at Daehwan and Chanyul.  Eddy snatches his, slumps onto the toilet, looks tired and drunk and every single one of his twenty-eight hard years shows on his face.  Chanyul grabs one and wriggles his way between Hadon and the wall.  He looks very pleased to be sitting next to Hadon and to have a beer.  Daehwan takes his and sighs as he leans against the sink.

 

The bathroom was not meant for five people to hang out in, but nobody seems to really mind.

 

“Why’s my beer so warm?”  Eddy asks.

 

Hadon shrugs.  “It was on Youngjin’s face.”

 

“What.  Ew.”  That doesn’t stop Eddy from opening it.  “I hate you.”

 

“You don’t.”

 

“Nah.  Wish I did.”  Eddy chugs half his beer in one go before covering his face with his palms.  “Man, how did we end up like this?”

 

“Calm down, everything’s okay.”  Hadon raises his can, clinks it off Chanyul’s beside him.  “As okay as it’s going to get, anyways.  Cheers, hyung.”

 

For once, Youngjin agrees with him.

 

Because Chanyul is smiling at Hadon and his beer and Daehwan looks happy that Chanyul’s happy and Eddy’s actually home with them.  And when Youngjin’s nose stops running he clasps Hadon’s hand tight and smiles a swollen smile and Hadon grins back all crooked and sore and totally real.

 

And from now until the end, Youngjin couldn’t ask for much more than this.

 

“Yeah.”  Youngjin repeats.  “Everything’s okay.”

  


 

 

The end, in a way, comes soon enough.

 

Youngjin’s the only one who makes it through the final round of auditions for Mixnine.

 

He goes on the show, he gets cut from the show.  With the amount of screentime he got, he’s pretty sure that if he blinks while watching he’ll miss himself.

 

Then Daehwan and Chanyul decide to enlist, and with that, it’s pretty much over.

 

“We’re really sorry, Youngjin-” Chanyul starts.

 

And Daehwan finishes.  “-but it wasn’t really our choice to leave…”

 

Youngjin thinks he handles it pretty well this time.

 

But a few hours later he’s sitting on the floor and watching some movie and Chanyul just happens to be in the room and out of nowhere he sort of starts crying.  He tries to act like he isn’t.  Chanyul doesn’t say anything and just hugs him until he stops.  They don’t talk about it after.

 

Daehwan and Chanyul pack up their things to head back to Gwangju and the dorm is the quietest it’s ever been.  There are lots of talks about contracts using lots of legal terms that Youngjin doesn’t understand.  All he really knows is that the group as it’s supposed to be is done.

 

But all in all, he guesses things could be worse.

 

“You know you’ve sunk one of mine again, right?”

 

“Just trying to help you out!”  Youngjin booms, all unfounded confidence as Hadon shakes his head.

 

“And I think you can’t tell the difference between solids and stripes.”  Hadon chuckles, eyes shifting away from the pool table for a second as he takes his phone from a pocket.  “Hope you’ve got your wallet ready.”  

 

Hadon’s face screws up sort of funny as he taps at his phone screen, and Youngjin asks without thinking.

 

“Who’re you texting?”

 

“Nobody.”  Hadon’s reply is just as automatic, but then there’s a pause.  “Joonyoung.  It’s Joonyoung.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Watch what you’re doing.  You’re going to sink the eight ball again by accident.”  Hadon says without looking up from his phone screen while Youngjin nearly blinds someone passing by with his pool cue.  “And yeah.  He asked how we’re doing.  I said we’re fine.”

 

Youngjin nods, leans over the table and starts lining up his cue.

 

“I… I miss him a lot today.” Hadon’s quiet but steady as he shoves his phone back in his pants. “He’s crap at pool though.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So… I’m glad you’re here.”  Hadon smiles, a little bit embarrassed.

 

Youngjin smiles back, not embarrassed at all.  “Don’t be glad yet!  This right here is gonna be the game winning shot!”

 

It is a nice shot, clean into a corner pocket.

 

“Youngjin…”

 

Wrong ball though.

 

“...you know what you just did?”

 

Youngjin stares as Hadon reaches into the pocket and pulls out a scuffed black ball and bursts out laughing.  He laughs so hard he can barely breathe and he doubles over at the waist and he can’t stop even when Youngjin grabs him by the wrist in a huff and drags him out of the pool hall and onto the frosted Seoul streets past endless meat buffets and makeup stores and guys that look just like them with their padded jackets and baseball caps.  He’s still wheezing when they’re slouched at a table in a thankfully well heated restaurant with double portions of steaming jjajangmyeon in front of them.  

 

And Youngjin doesn’t really mind losing at all.  Not with the way Hadon can’t stop smiling even though Youngjin’s somehow getting sticky-sweet sauce all over the table.

 

“Hey, thanks.”  Youngjin smiles too, sauce smears down his chin.

 

“For what?  You lost.  You’re paying.”

 

Youngin bumps his knee against Hadon’s under the table.  “For… this.”

 

Hadon grimaces.  “Don’t.  I already made it fuckin’ weird once today, don’t make it more weird.”

 

“But really, I mean it!”

 

“Stop.”  Hadon knocks his knee back into Youngjin’s.  “Just promise me that no matter where we end up, you’ll still come shoot pool with me once in a while, alright?”

 

Youngjin can do that.  “Promise.”

 

“Good.”  Hadon leans forward on his elbows, and for once, he’s the one who reaches out for Youngjin first.  He wraps tough fingers around Youngjin’s wrist and squeezes and smiles his skewed smile, a thin dark scab down the middle of his stretched bottom lip, and Youngjin’s heart turns to mush in his chest.  “Because I like winning.”

 

He lets go and Youngjin smacks him on the side of the head.

 

Youngjin also knocks over his drink and everyone in the place is staring at them but Hadon doesn’t seem to care at all, laughing like Youngjin being Youngjin is the funniest thing in the world.  Laughing just like the Hadon that Youngjin had promised to not give up on.  

 

And after all their years together, nothing’s really more important than that.

 

Because no matter how many blows the company deals them, they’re not finished with each other.  Not yet.

 

Youngjin promises.

 

 

 

 

END


End file.
